Success is something you should get to define for yourself

Finding meaning in living a simple life - redefining what it means to succeed

People are often shamed for not being successful, especially if they succeed at something at first and things turn bad soon after. Suddenly, it’s as if none of their previous achievements mattered, as if they never learned something new, as if they never tried.

Success is often only seen as true accomplishment if it lasts for a lifetime, and that means decades of things continuously working out well. When we think about how many years one person can live for, it puts into perspective how expectations for long-term success can be incredibly high, and if those are not achieved, then people are considered failures. Or worse, if people don’t achieve success fast enough, while they are still young, they are still considered a failure, when these things usually take a long time, as if people expect a forest grow in one day. It can take years for someone to reach their goals, and so often there are circumstances that keep people from achieving their dreams.

Beside societal shaming, the person struggling with failing often deals a lot of undeserved guilt, considering so much is out of control in life.

This is a reminder to anyone feeling like they are failing, who is scared of how they will be perceived because they don’t have high ambitions in life and just want to live a peaceful, simple, and stable life, even when achieving that already seems so hard in the current moment. Maybe it is time we redefine success, ambition, and demystify laziness. I hope these words might help you find some comfort.

You do not have to be the best at everything. You do not have to succeed in the long term at anything so you won’t be considered a failure. It is okay if it takes time for you to learn a craft or if learning something is impossible to you no matter how hard you try at it. It’s okay if you don’t have the ambition to be a CEO. You are not a failure if you can’t work because of disability or work less than others because of it. It doesn’t make you lazy. It’s okay if you want to just exist, to just be you.

It is hard enough to just be alive right now, and things haven’t been easy for most people, and if whatever you’re struggling with, be it illness, or grief, or loss, or fear, or if you’re feeling lost or if life has been really unstable for you. It still counts as struggling even if others “have it worse”. Thinking like that will only make it harder to cope with whatever it is you are going through because it is so invalidating, and it makes it seem that you are weaker than others for having a hard time, that you shouldn’t be having problems to begin with, when things are never really that simple.

You are not lazy or a failure if you just want to leave a quiet, peaceful life, if you just want to exist in your own way and figure out as you go.

You’re neither an inferior human being nor that different from most people for struggling with finding your own path when it comes to your career, your academic life, your relationships, or for rejecting the high expectations of long-term success and longing for a calm, stable life instead.

Everyone is just trying, just winging it, making the most of what they can, even when things aren’t working perfectly, even if they don’t want to admit that they don’t always have everything figured out. You’re not alone, and even the people you are close who seem to have everything together might not see themselves how you see them. Life is not always as easy as we wish or as others make it seem.

And yet, here you are, and maybe you are wishing things could be different, but you are alive on this earth only for a moment and you have the right to live your life in a way that makes you comfortable, you should get to choose the lifestyle that suits you best.

I hope you can find a way out of your problems and find yourself living the peaceful existence you are craving. It’s not up to anyone else to decide if that means you are successful or a great person and it’s not your obligation to make everyone you ever met proud of you. And I want you to know that if you are choosing what makes you truly happy, wherever you are, that I am proud of you. You are braver than you think, and you deserve to be content.

I am wishing that these heavy clouds clear up in the future, and that you find yourself under shining skies and blooming in your own way.

How to keep hope alive

I love this world, even though lately it seems that a lot of I love about it (the oceans, the people, the rivers, forests and the animals in them) are hanging on by a thread. And even though in all this misery being broadcasted by media, I still choose to believe there is hope. Because even though there are so many awful people doing terrible things to others and to the planet we inhabit, there are still many others trying to do their best to save this beautiful earth.

This is a rational decision, and one that helps me to keep going, and if you’re wondering how you can keep your hope alive amidst chaos, this is how I manage it.

I am choosing to believe there is hope. And, in many ways, that helps me take action, be it by helping someone else or by trying to make my own life a little better, taking care of my own chronically ill body, by trying to have more confidence in my own future instead of drowning in misery and fear of calamity.

It is important to keep yourself updated, but sometimes being glued to the tv while watching the news makes us forget that negative stories often take priority in the media, and those are important, but it is equally as important to keep yourself updated on good news, and when those seem scarce, then it’s time to focus on what you can do to make things a bit better.

There are people counting on despair, on anxiety, on insecurity, on fear so they can stay in power, so they can make more money and so they can distract others from seeing the incredible harm they are causing behind the scenes.

But if I let despair paralyze me, then I won’t fight for a good future for myself, for others, for future generations. And even though my power is comparably smaller, it doesn’t mean it’s non-existent.

Sometimes staying alive and embracing who you are, accepting all the other ways people can be different and still worthy of being alive as they are is an act of resistance. Sometimes donating food is an act of resistance. Sometimes donating clothes you don’t use anymore can help others during winter. Even if it’s just a bit of help, it’s better than being so desperate I become paralyzed and don’t do anything.

Being chronically ill and disabled and queer is a fight in itself. But that doesn’t mean I should give up. Because some people are counting on inaction so they can keep themselves in power. But staying alive, in this body of mine, is resisting the fact that a lot of people still look down on people like me, still deny us healthcare, still deny us accommodations or any acceptance.

Helping others in the small ways I can also allows me to see that there is hope as long as I keep going and help others go on too. And I am probably not alone in this: as humans, we strive to build connection and communities - people usually want to help others. This is not a desire only I feel, and it is not something only you feel. There are others trying to make the best out of a bad deal, just as you and I.

Hope is not just expecting for the best without doing anything. Hope is what allows me to act. And acting in anyway I can fills me with hope – and this is how you can keep your hope alive too. It’s scary out there, but it’s even scarier if we don’t do anything about it, and sometimes helping those in your neighborhood or helping people who are in marginalized groups or by showing those who are different than you are that you accept them as they are, or existing in your own authentic way and taking care of yourself has more power than you realize now. Hope and action go hand in hand.

It’s not the over until is over. And right now, not all is lost. So dare to hope. The world needs it.

You have just been diagnosed with a chronic illness. What now?

How to find self-acceptance when you are dealing with a new-found chronic illness

To some people, illness is not a momentary thing, it lasts for the rest of their life. It won’t get better, no matter how hard people think they should try. They will have tried every treatment possible, but sometimes, illness is chronic, meaning it won’t go away even if someone is young, even if they “look fine”.

It’s better to believe that someone knows their own health, their own diagnosis, their own pain, because it is not motivational to tell anyone they are lazy and that they should just push themselves more. Usually, people will chronic illnesses are already pushing themselves to be able to do things that might seem simple to others.

If you’re only now discovering that you have a chronic illness and you’re feeling exhausted and debilitated, I am sorry this is happening. It can be extremely overwhelming and exhausting going from doctor to doctor, trying to understand what is happening and why it is happening.

I hope you’re able to accept yourself even when you’re sick, because your worth does not decrease when you’re not as productive as a capitalist society thinks you should be. You’re not as alone as you might think you are, and I hope you don’t feel you should isolate, as being ill can be isolating by itself.

People will still like you if you’re chronically ill and can’t make it to social events when you’re unwell. I’m sorry if some people simply don’t understand, but you don’t have to prove to them what you have been dealing with when it comes to your health.

If it’s possible, let go of trying to please people who are ableist towards you and focus on those who aren’t. I promise not everyone will treat you poorly for being sick. And I hope you remember that being different doesn’t make you an outsider, or inferior to anyone else. You don’t have to push yourself so much, because being chronically ill is already so draining. And I hope you know that there can still be happiness in your life even when you’re sick.

Accepting yourself doesn’t mean accepting that you will be miserable for all your life, it means recognizing that you have an illness, that it is a tough thing that you need to deal with, and that you are still worthy of good things because being sick and fatigued is a morally neutral thing.

You are not doing anything wrong when you have different needs and need accommodation and a lot of rest. It doesn’t make you lazy. It doesn’t mean you’re defeated. It means you are letting your body be, without pressuring it too much when it is already going through a lot with illness.

It is possible to find joy while being sick. It is possible to meet new people who will understand you. It is possible to find medication that helps lessen some of the symptoms. It is possible for you to still find love, to be given love by others and to realize you can still love yourself even when you’re not perfect.

You’re already being brave dealing with all of this, and it can feel extremely overwhelming and lonely to be going through an illness, so don’t deny yourself any joy, because it doesn’t have to be earned by performing perfectly, or being the most productive you can be. You can let yourself be, let your body be, and find some peace of mind in making yourself as comfortable as possible while living with an illness, without guilt.

Finding stable relationships in an increasingly unstable world

Everyone has inside them a world of their own - we all know that. Even if someone seems to be a superficial person, they are probably more nuanced than they seem, they have deeper thoughts than they express. Every one of us has dealt with loss and even if they never have, one day they will. It is inevitable: grief comes in many ways other than death, and we’re all suffering for the loss of something or someone, or even losing ourselves, losing our purpose, our dreams, our health, our stability. In a world that feels more and more polarized, remember to be kind to others and to be kind to yourself, everyone carries a great deal of suffering inside them.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of making everyone an enemy when they have a different political opinion that is filled with hatred directed at you or those you love. But it doesn’t mean that everyone you meet believes in that ideology. There are still good people in the world, and you won’t get to know them and have them as friends and partners and allies in you community if you immediately treat everyone with suspicion, with harshness, as if your suffering gives you permission to lash out at strangers or acquaintances.

I know you’re hurting. I know you are scared. I know life feels unstable to you and the future is unpredictable. But most people feel that way too, and they also feel lonely. They are seeking community, connection with people who they feel safe around, just as you are. Not everyone you meet will be a good fit in your life, you don’t have to get along with people who are openly hostile to you, and hopefully you will be safe enough so you don’t have to constantly walk on eggshells near those who despise you..

Even when the world seems too harsh, try not  assume everyone you meet will be just as hostile. Don’t treat people with unkindness and disrespect based on first impressions, before you can actually know who they are, and try not to do so especially during small interactions with strangers you will never see again, save yourself the energy. A kind word can help people during a hard day. Everyone is struggling, just as you, don’t assume you won’t find your own community even when the world seems to be filled with conflict fueled by hatred.

You are not alone as you think. And maybe what is hindering you in making connections is that living in a hostile environment made you suspicious and afraid of being vulnerable. But if you treat everyone you meet with suspicion and unkindness, then they won’t feel comfortable to show their true selves to you. It’s not time to fight with those who you can connect you, who could become part of your community.

It’s time to do what’s necessary to create community to support each other during tough times.

And to find like-minded people, you must take the first step and let your guard down a little. Don’t be so afraid that you become bitter and treat others in a harsh way, hurting them before they get the chance to hurt you. A lot of people are still friendly, even if those whose hatred burns inside their souls have the loudest voices. Not everyone agrees with their violent rhetoric. There are still good people out there. But you must go out to find them, to let your guard down a little, to be your authentic self so others feel comfortable being themselves too, and to build community takes time and effort, but it is worth it. Humanity is worth so much more than all this violence. And so are you: violence won’t be a constant throughout your life.

And if you feel unsafe in your environment, I hope you can find a new place for you soon, a place where you feel more accepted, more comfortable, more stable. There are places and people like that, still. But you must go on and stay alive to find them. You must keep fighting for yourself, to be a voice of kindness, gentleness, wisdom, and love in a world where those with power are trying to convince you that there is no place for you in it, using hate speech, violence, ignorance and fear tactics to create panic.

A better world is still possible, and you deserve to be in it. Don’t let their anger turn you away from building relationships, don’t let their hate make you feel like there is no place for you to be yourself. The world is a huge place, and you will find your way through it, and you will find your place in it, but you must stay alive to do so. This world is better with you in it.

To anyone holding on by a thread

If you’re also hanging on by a thread, as I am right now, I just want to let you know that I’m glad you’re still holding on. I’m really sorry you are struggling and things feel out of control right now, but I hope things improve for us. But until then, we’ll keep hanging on, okay? Yes, we must go on, so we will keep going together.

You don’t have to do this alone, and you deserve help, so don’t be afraid to ask for it. You don’t have to carry this burden in silence. Talking to someone can help you hold on a little more.

What matters most, when you feel hopeless, is that you are still holding on, even if it feels like you are barely doing it, you still are trying, and you should be proud of yourself. You are doing your best in the circumstances you’re facing and I’m proud of you for still hanging in there. I hope whatever is troubling you eases soon and that you remember to give yourself credit for how brave you’re being even when things are so hard.

The terrifying thrill of being

Everything hurts and I’m tired all the time

And I’m not sure what I’m doing

I feel like I have nothing figured out,

Slowly living each day and feeling unaccomplished

Even when I’m at my most productive.

I feel I am waiting for something that’s not coming

Until one day change finally comes so suddenly.

But isn’t everyone feeling like this?

Aren’t we all a little lonely,

A little scared? Scared of not being enough,

Maybe scared of death, or even worse

Scared of life having passed by without living it.

Aren’t we all just winging it, trying to figure it out as we go

Learning that sometimes a person can only truly live

By letting go of their fears and letting go of control.

Isn’t it terrifying

and incredibly thrilling

to be a living creature?

Dealing with the fear of being imperfect and being publicly judged

Sometimes you just have to show up the way you are, instead of avoiding doing things because you want to wait until you feel “good enough” or perfect or great. You can only learn by showing up and making mistakes. Most people are not judging you as harshly as you are judging yourself and most of them aren’t expecting perfection and if they are, it’s their problem for having unrealistic standards.

It’s not a moral failure to be imperfect, to make mistakes and try to learn from them, to not get things right on the first try.

Everyone is a little bit messy, a little bit lonely, a little bit worried about how they will be perceived, just like you. It’s more probable that other people are focusing on their own problems than they are focusing on your imperfections. They are probably more worried about how they are being perceived than they are about them perceiving any of the flaws you feel ashamed of.

Show up as you are, and if at first it feels awkward, keep going (at your own pace), until you start to feel less worried of being perceived by others. It gets easier the more you try. And if you are trying to do this, I hope you know how brave you are.

I feel self-conscious a lot in my body, in the way I act, in the being disabled and constantly having to take more care of my body than others because it gets injured easily. But on a recent trip, I had to use certain medical devices (so many wires hanging on my back!) to help with pain, and a knee stabilizer for several occasions, so that walking wouldn’t be as painful.

And showing up as I was (in pain, needing to take things slow, being disabled by chronic illness) did not make me feel more insecure. In the contrary, no one asked questions, no one really paid that much attention and it made me feel confident that I can show up as I am and that things will be fine. It made me more confident and more comfortable with existing in public with my chronic problems.

It felt like a relief, and I could enjoy the little time to swim at the beach in my short vacation, instead of losing time wondering if others would be judging me.

Showing up as yourself is worth it, and you deserve it.

How to slowly move on when grieving

First of all, I am sorry if you have lost something or someone that you wished you’ve had forever. I have been dealing with immeasurable grief for some time now, you are not alone in this. I’m sorry if this grief feels like it might swallow you whole, and if you’re afraid time won’t heal your wounds. Impermanence can be such a scary thing, make everything seem so unstable, so unpredictable. Unfortunately, most things don’t last forever. But this sorrow won’t be all you’ll ever have, this loss and this feeling of absence won’t be a hole in you for the rest of your life. Something will be missing, indeed, but mourning won’t be all there is to your life, even if it seems it will be right now.

Everything is temporary, and so what looks like an all-consuming sorrow might not completely swallow your life if you recognize the small comforts and joys in life: a good book, talking to your friend, a funny movie, a cup of warm tea. Remember to make space for a little bit of joy, however it comes, so you don’t become too focused on grief. Yes, everything is temporary, and maybe grief is one of those things that stay with us, but as you keep going, you realize you can make space to feel this pain when it’s needed and also add little moments of happiness to your life.

You’re not betraying anyone for trying your best to keep going while facing so much pain.

Remember that this pain will lessen, even if it doesn’t fade completely, and it helps a lot if you allow yourself to feel everything, to cry, and to try to remember the good moments with whoever or whatever you have lost. Treasure the happy memories, make space for new ones. They will come. The passage of time takes things away from us and it can feel soul-crushing, but even if it feels unbearable to keep going when all you wanted was a quiet moment where the world didn’t move so fast, remember that the passage of time can also bring new happiness to you. Endings can become a new beginning, if you allow it to be. You don’t have to stop loving anyone or treasuring the memories from the past.

Life won’t ever be the same again after a deep loss, but this pain won’t stay the same forever either. You can add happiness to your own existence, even if it’s in different ways, even if it’s not the same happiness you’ve felt before your loss.

Open yourself up to new experiences, try to comfort and soothe yourself, to do things that bring you joy, and ask for help if you need it. Let change come, but don’t force yourself to rush into it. Everything is temporary: people, animals, our health, our homes, our relationships. But that doesn’t mean there will never be any happiness at all after suffering with loss. The feeling of loss and grief might last a long time. Happiness is fleeting. Joy is temporary. But so is this sharp sorrow you are feeling right now.

You are not as alone as you think you are, so please don’t self-isolate, don’t make a world all of your own in your grief, holding on to the pain as if it’s all there is. There are still ways for you to feel lighter again, so please, move forward (with as many baby steps as needed) to a new beginning, opening yourself up to new possibilities, to find small reasons to laugh again.

Remember: everything is not lost forever as long as you carry what you love in your heart. You keep those you have lost alive through your own memories. And maybe some things we lose can be found again when we lose our health and slowly recover it again. We carry a piece of everyone and everything we ever loved in us, so hold on to the sweetest memories instead of the most painful ones. Joy is always worth remembering, and as long as you treasure those memories, nothing can’t be lost forever.

A helpful coping mechanism for insomnia

Whenever you can’t fall asleep after a long time trying, it is said that getting up and doing something else for a little while and then coming back to bed really helps you fall asleep.

Lately, whenever this happens to me, I have been getting into making collages, inspired by lyrics, by my own thoughts, or any anxiety that has been keeping me awake. And it does work, as I am able to fall asleep almost instantly after it.

Making art as hobby and as a way to vent means I should keep my perfectionist tendencies at bay. I have only just started, and we never start out perfectly at something. But it doesn’t really matter if my collages are great art because making them has been very helpful both to my mental health and to my insomnia. So, I’d like to share them with you:

Facing anxiety when meeting new people

It is a hard thing to work on for people with anxiety, but it is worthwhile and it pays off: trying to stop assuming people are judging you. It is something I’ve struggled with for most of my life. Most people are not judging you in the harshest way possible, even if someone did so in the past, and it’s tempting to apply this feeling of being judged by one person in the past to any person you meet in the present. Everyone is different, and most people are more concerned with their own problems and similarly to you, they also worry about how you will perceive them. People are most likely to remember their own embarrassing experiences instead of the ones that happened to others.

Yes, maybe someone was overly critical of you in the past, but it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair to others when you assume a person is always judging you and thinking you’re not good enough. Not everyone interacting with you does so in bad faith, sometimes they just want to get to know you, to have a conversation. Sometimes people don’t connect well to each other because they don’t have much in common, but that doesn’t mean you annoyed them to the point of them being disinterested. You’re not an embarrassment, you’re worthy of friendship and love and connection, that’s the part of you that makes you human, a social animal.

We thrive in communities, so please don’t isolate yourself from others by thinking you’re never good enough and that people will never find you interesting enough to talk to. Sometimes you have to make that first step and talk to them first. That being said, if you still feel paralyzed by anxiety and by what might happen if someone doesn’t like you, remember that even if someone did voice their criticism so harshly that it caused an impact on your self-esteem and made you feel humiliated and miserable in the past, they are not the rule, they are the exception, and not everyone will feel the same way about you, and their treatment of you doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, but their actions were wrong. Nothing excuses treating people like that, and I’m sorry that happened to you.

There are still so many people in the world who might like you. Keep in mind that don’t have to do everything to get the approval from someone who demands perfection from a fallible human being (as all of us are), that their judgement doesn’t equate with your real worth, and that you shouldn’t strive to earn respect from someone who feels like their respect is something people need to work for, to earn, as if it isn’t a basic right to be treated with dignity. Most people won’t be like them. Most people are going through something of their own and they probably don’t have a problem with you.

It’s better to give people the benefit of the doubt than to assume everyone is thinking about all the ways you are inadequate and how much they hate you. Don’t assume you’ll fail at socializing before you even try, give yourself some grace by thinking that maybe things won’t go wrong. What if they work out?